I decided rather than merely replacing the cam shaft, I might as well replace the engine. A friend of mine, a mechanic, was setting up a little shop, and he gave me a good deal. He told me that the transmission was also in trouble, and sure enough, by the time he had replaced the engine, the transmission gave out, and he replaced that as well. I had a one-year warranty on the replacement engine. It gave out in 10 months; however, my friend's business had given out a couple months before the Malibu. He had moved to Montana to avoid creditors. I wrote him, trying to find out where he had purchased the engine, thinking that, perhaps, the supplier might stand behind the engine warranty. My friend did not answer my letters, and he had no phone. I had apparently been classed as a "creditor" rather than a friend.

I broke down and paid for another replacement engine. This time a genuine Chevrolet Mr. Goodwrench Replacement Engine. My new mechanic told me this was a factory "new" engine. I now recall that he did not specify which or what sort of "factory." I paid for a 3-year/50,000 mile warranty. I later discovered that since the mechanic was a non-dealer, an independent installer, different rules apply in the warranty. Of course, the rules allow the buyer to be told the rules after the engine is installed. Then I was handed a neat glossy cardboard "Limited Warranty." Point 3 says that in addition to keeping all sales receipts, maintenance receipts, and repair orders in the glove compartment, all repairs made by the independent repair center must first be approved by the authorized GM Dealer from whom the Engine was originally purchased. "Any reimbursement charges will be handled through the authorized GM Dealer." I was not told who the authorized GM Dealer was until over two years and 45,500 miles later, when I started having major problems.

The "independent repair center" sent me to Mac Magruder Chevrolet in Palm Springs. The Malibu was still running, but it was using a lot of oil. I wasn't sure whether it was burning it or leaking it, but my independent repairman had given up on trying to fix it. I made an appointment with Magruder and dropped it off with Pete, who collected all the papers and receipts I had brought as directed. Pete said he would have to consult with the Service Manager before the mechanic could look at it. A couple of days later I was told that 90% of the problem was the intake manifold gasket, not covered by the warranty, about $300 to fix.

My "independent" mechanic told me to ask him if there were any vacuum problems because intake manifold gasket problems result in vacuum problems. Also that an intake manifold gasket would not explain the oil consumption. Pete told me there were no vacuum problems. I asked them to check the valve seals and guides and to do no non-warranty work. I smelled a $300 rat.

When I picked up the Malibu a few days later, the fellow that Pete sent to get me my car had trouble starting it. When it did start, there was a huge, puff of blue smoke. It was running very rough, and it stalled at the first stop light I came to. And every stop light thereafter until I discovered that I could keep it running only by taking it out of gear well before the light and gunning it to keep the RPMs high. With the new driving technique under my belt, the Malibu stalled only five times in the ten miles I drove to reach the independent installer. Each time it stalled, it took several minutes to get it started again. Seemed to be flooding, and when I would finally got it started, heavy, black smoke poured from the tail pipe.

When I had time, I looked over the Magruder mechanic's comments on the repair receipt: "customer informed that attaching parts are brittle and any breakage will be his or Bob Rice Auto responsibility...Blue smoke at start... no valve seals installed at factory...Installed all valve seals."

While my independent repair center was getting the Malibu running again, I phoned General Motors Corporation, Consumer Relations Department, 3044 West Grand Boulevard, Detroit MI 48202, the address on the Limited Warranty. It took me a while to find the phone number: 1-800-222-1020, extension 5510. Kristin answered. I told her my story. She talked with someone who said that the Malibu would not have run 45,000 miles without oil seals. She also said they always go by what the Service Manager says. She called Magruder's Service Manager. He denied the notation by his mechanic, "technician #9." I reminded Kristin that I had this in writing and that it was a carbon of that which the Service Manager had in his files. Perhaps technician #9 meant that NEW valve seals had not been installed in the rebuild. GMC still goes by what the Service Manager says. Kristin suggested, however, that I send any documentation that I might have to support my allegations.

I immediately set about collecting and setting in order some 25 receipts, records of service, and such, with a covering letter explaining it all in chronological order. This was around December 15, 1995. I asked that my complaint be registered as of the date of my phone call so that the warranty might not be voided by possible delays in their processing.

February 23, 1996, about two months later, I wrote a follow-up letter, adding that since the Magruder "repair" I had had the Malibu checked by another independent mechanic, who verified that the oil seals were new. But he also informed me that the valves had been tightened too tight and that now the "cams are flat." The Auto Doctor also determined the location of several oil leaks in the engine and repaired them. I mentioned that my original complaint was made when there were 4,500 warranty miles on the engine and that there were now 2,000 warranty miles remaining. Time was running out.

Shortly, I received a phone call suggesting that I take the Malibu to Marshall Motor Cars in Yucca Valley. They suggested I contact the Service Manager first. Jeff Marshall, the Service Manager, complained that requests like this fouled up his warranty program. He seemed concerned that my documentation included letters to and from the Better Business Bureau and the State of California Department of Consumer Affairs. I mentioned that my warranty program was pretty well fouled up too. He examined all the papers and noticed that my speedometer had been out of order for a week or so. He also noticed that the Malibu had been in the shop most of that time. I explained that I didn't want to spend money on the speedometer of a car that was barely running. When he considered the documentation and the fact that the problem had been called to the attention of GM over two months earlier, he agreed to replace the replacement engine. They sent for another engine.

Several days later, the replacement for the replacement for the replacement engine arrived. Jeff required that I spend about $150 for new vacuum lines and odds and ends of small parts...and to have the radiator pressure tested because one of the receipts I showed him mentioned that it had heated up on one occasion while my wife was driving it. I explained that she had stopped and phoned me as soon as it heated up and that I had cooled it off and taken it in for inspection. The thermostat was replaced before any damage could have been done. He claimed that the radiator was "plugged" because it would not drain properly. Circulation through the radiator was not affected by the drain cock being plugged, but I agreed to the pressure test so they could proceed with the engine replacement.

Marshall Motor Cars mechanics discovered that the replacement engine they were replacing had zero compression on two cylinders. All other cylinders were low in compression. One was not firing at all because of oil fouling. All plugs had gray ash, which means that coolant was leaking into the cylinders. That explained why I was having to clean the plugs every few months to keep it running. The report also included: "cam lobes going flat, cylinders scorched," things not noticed by Magruder Chevrolet. Jeff Marshall had told me that the cams were not "flat," that they were "only an eighth-inch off." A Lexus mechanic in Palm Springs told me that an eighth-inch off a cam shaft would put it beyond the hardened steel surface material. Perhaps "soon-to-be-entirely-flat" would have been more accurate. Or, perhaps, just "flattened."

Jeff Marshall clearly stated that there were no warranty papers with this replacement engine because it was a warranty replacement, and it was not warranteed in any way.

A couple weeks after I began driving the replacement/replacement/replacement engine, the radiator sprang a voluminous leak. The man who repaired it said it looked like someone had overzealously pressure tested the radiator. It had to be completely resoldered.

The Auto Doctor mentioned to me that he could hear a vacuum leak in the intake manifold gasket of the triple rebuild. I took it back to Marshall Motor Cars in spite of the fact that Jeff had told me it was not warranteed. He said it was a loose spark plug wire, but when his mechanics checked it, they discovered there was also a vacuum leak. They retorqued the intake manifold bolts.

A couple months later, the Malibu was due for its first smog check since receiving its third rebuild. It wouldn't pass because of a vacuum leak in the intake manifold gasket. Auto Doctor could not get a new intake manifold gasket to seal. He had the intake manifold machined down to the bolt holes. There was still a blackened gap which could not be sealed by orthodox means. The problem, he told me, is common among aluminum intake manifolds. I personally went looking in the wrecking yards and found a cast iron intake manifold for the triple rebuild. The gasket sealed, and the Malibu passed the smog test. I could now drive it or sell it as I pleased. I couldn't sell it for close to what it had cost me for repairs, and if I replaced it with another used car, I would simply be starting over, replacing worn parts with possibly not top quality rebuilt parts. Late model cars are simply not designed to last, so I didn't want to buy a new car either. I decided to stick with the Malibu and hope for the best.

I wrote GMC again and asked that they pay the $350 it cost me to bring the triple rebuild up to smog requirements.

A couple weeks later, Eva, my wife, heard a "pop" as she was pulling onto the freeway, heading for work. By the time she got a couple miles down the freeway, the new engine was knocking. By the time she pulled off the freeway and called me, it was heating up. She shut it off. By the time I got there to check it, started it up, noticed the low oil pressure, put in a couple quarts of oil, and headed for the Auto Doctor, it seized up on the frontage road. My granddaughter, Britni, and I started walking to a phone. A kind man gave us a lift home, and I phoned from there. The tow truck hauled the Malibu to the Auto Doctor. The oil sending unit had blown and dumped the oil. If I had called the tow truck when Eva phoned me, we might have saved it, but...No.... I told the Auto Doctor that I had once had an oil sending unit go out on my '64 Rambler Classic. It had given me a little warning. I had taken it to the dealer to have an oil leak of undetermined origin fixed. He told me that since it had 300,000 miles on it, it was probably the main seal. The engine needed rebuilding, $1,000. While removing the engine, they discovered that a ball was "missing" from the trasmission bearing. I told them to fix that too. After the rebuild, the oil leak was worse than before. It turned out to be the $5 oil sending unit. The Rambler has an idiot-light type sending unit. The Malibu, on the other hand, has the "good" one that tells you how many pounds of oil pressure you have. That type doesn't just "leak." It dumps the oil when it goes out. Design feature. By the way, the ball bearing they added to the Rambler transmission popped into the transmission a month after the "repair." By the time I got it to Ben's Transmission, there weren't many undamaged teeth left in the transmission.

A couple days after the freeway oil spill, GMC phoned me to tell me that they had phoned the Service Manager at Marshall Motors. He told them that the speedometer had been disconnected when he installed the replacement engine. He claimed that was why he would not warranty the warranty replacement engine. GMC would not reimburse me for repairs made by the independent repair center even though Marshall Motor Cars had admitted knowing of the intake manifold problem and having made a stab at repairing it by retorquing the intake manifold bolts.

I told the young man on the phone that it was a moot question anyway because the engine had ejected its oil on the freeway and seized up before we could get it to a mechanic. He asked me for the exact date that the engine had seized up. What did I have to lose? I told him. I think that particular data officially closed my file, #950815107, with GMC. I am making plans to take all identification off my car that links it with GMC and Chevrolet. I am looking for a bas-relief stainless steel emblem "Maldito" to replace "Malibu." I'll probably have to make it myself out of lead...or JB Weld.

I learn slowly. I now have the fourth rebuilt engine in the Maldito. This time not Mr. Goodwrench, not rebuilt by Target Master Motors in Mexico. The Auto Doctor claims to have installed 50 of these engines with no problems. I decided to go for the 4-year warranty. You have to buy the warranty before they send you the engine because they rebuild engines to last a specific number of months. You buy a one-year engine, a two-year engine, a three-year engine. I have a four-year engine this time! It cost an extra $300. Your guess is as good as mine whether it will last four years?

A clue: There was a card with the 4-year engine. If I had not received the warranty papers in 30 days, I was instructed to phone API International in Tempe, Arizona. Thirty days went by. No warranty. I phoned API. My warranty had not been "activated" because the money I gave to the Auto Doctor was passed along to Nick's Engine and Supply Co. In Monterey Park, CA, but Nick had not sent it to API, the originator of the rebuilt replacement engine. I asked Auto Doctor to phone Nick. They did. Another 30 days have passed, and Auto Doctor has received my activation card. I have not yet received my Protection + Plus Engine Guarantee!

Update: I phoned API yesterday. They had received the money and mailed me my guarantee, but it was returned by the Post Office. They had sent it to my street address instead of to my Post Office Box. Our mail box is lying in a crumpled heap where it used to stand because a local gang, the West Drive Locos + 3, destroyed our mail box a couple years ago because we had the temerity to paint over the logo they had sprayed on it to celebrate the murder of a member of a rival gang on our block. I gave API our P.O. Box number. The guarantee should be arriving soon.

So officially, El Maldito is warranteed. Now, let's see what happens next.

Got a horror story of your own? We are partial to Mr. Goodwrench, < <El Señor Buenllave>>, stories. Open a page with us for your horror story. We may have stumbled on the burgeoning Internet business of the future. I recently saw a WebSite called "KMart Sucks" on the evening news. By the time the story aired, the site had been renamed with a less obvious trademark, "XMart Sucks." I have avoided using any easily identifiable logos on this page, but I have named names. I am informing GMC of the Great White Lemon page, and I will let them know that I am listing it with as many search engines and directories as will accept it. The search engines may prefer GMC's business to mine, but I'll email you the results. Just leave your name and address below on our parent site. They may pressure me to jerk this file. Or cease and desist. They may offer to buy back the Great White Lemon. Or not. My wife still needs a dependable work vehicle.

Yes, I have documentation for all the above, plus many more details. GMC has copies of it too. I assume they considered all that when they made their various decisions, but remember, they go by what the Service Manager says, and we know he is looking out for his warranty program's bottom line.

Just send me an ASCII text file of your horror story on a 3.5-inch floppy and $10.00 to pay for your first month's housing. I'll happily add your tale to my Mr. BadWrench site.

Oh, one last news flash! We've had the new quadruple rebuild engine about 4,000 miles (FOUR engines in FOUR years--count them). It has been "missing" ever since it was installed, and the starter has been making grinding noises. Probably nothing to do with the new engine. The double rebuilt starter was warranteed, so for the third time, Auto Doctor fixed it, no charge. He also discovered why it has been missing. New spark plugs. New wires. New distributor cap. OLD distributor. The bearings were worn and the wobble was tearing up the contacts and causing erratic firing, the "miss" syndrome I was hearing and feeling. When I mentioned that my '64 Rambler has nearly 400,000 miles on it, with the original distributor and the original cam shaft, Joe, the Auto Doctor, observed, "They used to make brass bearings. They don't any more." A profound statement with far-reaching implications:

Perhaps you also heard the rumor that the BIG THREE drove Rambler out of business...or at least out of the United States to cut competition for their rotating monopoly. They may have overlooked the fact that the American consumer will pay a tariff to get better-designed and -built vehicles from other countries even though they would rather "Buy American." Could it be that the BIG THREE is responsible for creating the Japanese auto industry? Too bad Americans can't give Americans what they need and want and should logically have. Maybe it's something in the air at Detroit.

The GREAT WHITE LEMON is still white, but as I promised, I have removed the "Malibu" emblems from the rear quarter panels and the "Chevrolet" emblem from the trunk lid. All in the process of repainting it. This is how it happened: While Eva was working at the Vintage Country Club a couple weeks ago, a flatbed truck belonging to Francisco's Designs backed into the driver's side front door of the "Maldito." Eva was considerably perturbed. Not me. Francisco had left his phone number on the windshield. I had been waiting for the inevitable. When Eva asked me to survey the damage, I declined. I was having another vision.

A little background: In 1995 and again in 1996, we had been rear-ended. The first time was at a stoplight in San Bernardino by an illegal alien, the Mexican sort, not the outer space sort. He had borrowed the car, and the brakes went out as he pulled up behind me with his family at a stop light. His kids were crying, and his wife was visibly disgruntled, maybe a little frightened at the prospect of being returned across the border. He wanted to pay me $100 not to call the police. I said $100 would not repair the damage. How about $500? While I was negotiating with him, my wife, quite upset by the accident, phoned the police...who, when they arrived, were actually more friendly with the illegals than with us. One of the officers advised me that, if I were not more careful I was in danger of being shot (by accident, of course). I had made the mistake of opening an officer's door, while he was on the radio, to give him the proof of insurance he had requested a couple minutes earlier. There was a revolver and a riot gun in plain sight with which the deed could have easily been accomplished. And there were two cars of officers to witness the shooting accident.

We reported the auto accident to Amex insurance, but because the illegal was driving someone else's car, no insurance, no driver's license, and a lot of confusion, we received nothing in the way of compensation. We even had to pay some $30 for a copy of the accident report for the insurance company. When Amex asked us at the end of the year if we had been in any accidents during the year, I told them, "No," in spite of the fact that the right rear tail light was demolished and the Malibu's rear bumper was bent down around its knees.

A few months later, a Porsche hit the left rear corner, driving the bumper down a couple more inches. It had been parked on the street in the Santa Rosa Cove Country Club. Eva heard the crash and got the driver's phone number. We got two estimates for replacing the damaged bumper and shock absorbers. The driver's insurance paid us the amount of the lower estimate, $500. One of our neighbors, an out-of-work welder, offered to straighten it for $75. It was too good a deal to refuse, even though the rear bumper still has a slight tilt.

With all the problems getting an engine that would run for more than a few months, I was reluctant to put money into cosmetic repairs, but when the car was now horribly deformed by the flatbed, leaving a triangular hole in the driver's side door, and we finally had an engine that seemed to work tolerably well for more than a couple months, I decided to take the plunge and fix up the old lemon. I also saw it as an opportunity to have the logos removed.

Francisco paid the lowest of three bids, $645 for a door skin and painting. Two other body shops told me that a door skin for the car was not available. I took the money and bought a used door off a 1979 Malibu sedan. It was not quite a fit, but it would do. I heard of a custom body man who was staying at a friend's house looking for work. He offered to replace the door for $40.

Leo did a fair job, so I agreed to have him do other necessary body work. There was a dip in the left front fender where I had pounded it out, filled, and refinished it after Eva had backed into a 4 by 4 car port post several years earlier. The illegal alien crash had broken a piece out of the right rear quarter panel extension and caused dents on both rear quarter panels. I had found a used right rear tail light assembly hanging on a fence at a junk yard in Coachella. $20, and I had been quoted $80 at another yard which had only the left tail light. Leo repaired the dents with Bondo, sanded, and spot patched chipped paint and primed it for $300 cash. Leo complained, "That car is a mess!" I laughed and told him about the GREAT WHITE LEMON WebPage you are now reading. Leo's attitude changed. Suddenly our Chevy Malibu was a prospective collector's item...with a professional-looking paint job. "Maybe," I agreed.

When I took the car to Maaco to be painted, they politely snickered a little at the "professional" body work, which I had thought was so great. Maaco's $250 paint job had to be refigured. They charged me $80 to redo the chipped paint spots. They had estimated it would cost $90 in the first place, and Leo and his friend, John, had spent hours on it. The right rear quarter panel extension, if they could find it, would cost, not $18 with $5 labor, but $60 with $30 labor. The $250 estimate was now $428. Was I surprised? Hardly. The appropriate word is "experienced." I seem to be getting accustomed to such eventualities. I complained a little however. Enough to satisfy them that they were putting something over on me. That way we both feel better.

Maaco's auto body expert confirmed what Leo had told me, the Maldito was worth the money. He added that this particular Chevy Malibu had been a sheriff's car at one time. Don't ask me how he knew that, but it had been recycled in Los Angeles. I could visualize it racing the freeways in hot pursuit. Why would the Sheriff buy an Indian red car and paint it black and white? Maybe Maaco had convinced him it was worth it.

But now...what a sparkling, trim beauty, our Maldito. I have only to adjust the choke a little, and it will be perfect...for a while anyway.

When I went to pick up the newly repainted Maldito, I discovered that, in spite of the fact that I had been told on the phone that the right rear quarter panel had been replaced before painting, it had not. The black void between the tail light and the fender was still there. I complained but to no avail. They had gone on "local access" through Ajax Auto Wrecking in Coachella to the Internet, they told me, looking for the part. Not available. They had found an extension in San Francisco, but when they checked it out, the car had been disassembled. I reluctantly paid for the job and headed for home. On the way, I passed within a few miles of End of the Road Auto Salvage where I had found the driver's side door and the intake manifold for the Maldito. I gave it a shot. They had the extension for $15! I picked it up and phoned Maaco. If I would sand it, they would paint it to match my new original white for another $15. While waiting for it to dry, I went back to End of the Road and replaced the grill, which was broken in two places. It is, after all, only plastic, as is the extension. True, the new grill has the Chevrolet emblem at the top center and the name CHEVROLET displayed at the right top corner, but what the.... I also ordered a dash board mat at Pep Boys to cover the holes and cracks caused by ultraviolet overexposure, and I replaced the steering wheel cover and put a rubber pad on the emergency brake pedal.

I picked up the repainted extension just before closing time. I was definitely caught up in a restoration (as possible) frenzy. The extension was still sticky. It has to dry overnight. Tomorrow I will replace it...and VOILA! A nearly like-new car. Incidentally, I had left the Maldito at Maaco with a little under half a tank of fuel. I didn't realize that painting a car would expend fuel. I didn't check the fuel level when I picked it up after repainting. On the way home after procuring the replacement extension, I ran out of gas in the desert. Jeannie, a horse trainer at the Ivey Ranch, picked me and my granddaughter, Britni, up and dropped us off at my daughter Robin's apartment so I could get my gas can and rescue the Maldito again. I only mention it because the choke has been adjusted. Apparently someone needed to drive it somewhere and fixed it for me. Fair enough. Looks good and runs well. I don't know about you, but I'm holding my breath.

Oh, I should mention that I have an appointment with the Auto Doctor to have the rack lubricated. Since the latest starter replacement, we have had an occasional problem with the starter hanging up. It will start but keep grinding. I found that if I shift it into gear, it usually quits grinding. Yesterday I discovered that when the starter hangs up, the ignition key does not click back after starting. When I click it back manually, the grinding stops. Lubricating the rack may be all that is necessary to keep from tearing up another starter. Probably another design feature. Magruder Chevrolet lubricated the rack a few years ago because I was having problems unlocking the ignition so I could turn the steering wheel. I'll keep you posted how it turns out.